A Beauty That's Eternal

I am not sexy. Pre-Gabriel I often felt sexy, now I never feel attractive. The price some women must pay for the joy of a child. I traded my hot pink and lacey Victoria's Secret bras for nude nursing bras, my tan, tight skin for pale flab, and a smooth tummy and legs for stretch marks and varicose veins. I am 28 pounds overweight. I don't have time to wax, shave everyday, or paint my toe nails, or give myself manicures. I have very few clothes and shoes for that matter that fit me, and I may never where lingerie, a bikini, bathing suit, shorts, short dresses, or short skirts again. I am not sexy.

This is hard. Having all these stretch marks has been hard. Loosing this weight has been hard. I have never struggled with loosing weight until now. I feel like I may never be attractive again. All I can do is remind myself of what is important.

1. I am a mother. I have Gabriel who is my world and I would never take that back. I love him so much!

2. Who I am is more valuable than how I look. I strive to be a woman that serves the lord. I have compassion and mercy, love and tenderness in my heart. And that makes who I am worth while.

3. Nestor thinks I am beautiful. My true love still loves to be close to me. He still tells me I'm attractive and the sweet way he looks and me and treats me makes me think he really believes that I am beautiful.

I am a very blessed woman. I have so much love in my life. I only wish I could feel good about myself. But you know, all my life I have tried so hard to make myself beautiful inside and out. I think at times I have placed too much importance on the outward part.

Maybe this is God's not so subtle way of telling me that my worth far outweighs my outward appearance. Maybe I placed limits on my beauty when I focused too much on the way I looked. Maybe God needed to removed the limits I placed in order to show me a beauty and value far beyond what I was capable of.