Finding my Niche

I want to be amazing at something. This is not vanity. I just want to have something good enough to offer others. I think art and music are important, and I have a lot of talents, but they are all underdeveloped. I haven't spent time developing any one interest. Mostly because I have so many! There are so many things I enjoy doing that it is difficult for me to find the one thing that I want to devote most of my time to. I have found that I love painting with oils, and I am working on developing that talent. I have also always wanted to learn to play the guitar, but I have never really gotten serious about it. It's because I have no patience. I want to be good at things right away and that doesn't always happen. Well, it's never too late. I think I am going to give the guitar a good effort. Hopefully I won't give up on it. Hopefully, between taking care of Gabriel, being a wife, studying (until December at least), and eventually working, I will find time to play and paint. Hopefully I will develop at least one of these talents enough that I can use it to uplift others for the glory of GOD. Hopefully.

Gabriel Isaiah:

GOD is my strength; GOD is my salvation

The waiting game...I don't want to play anymore.

Today is September 17th, my long awaited due date. I did not think that I would still be pregnant right now, but I am. Its hard to be patient. I feel like this baby is never going to come. I am progressing so slowly, just now 50% effaced and 1.5cm. The longer I have to wait the more I worry about what could go wrong during labor. I'm not concerned about the pain; however, I am afraid that I will have a difficult labor due to my narrow pelvis and may be unsuccessful in delivering vaginally. I am trying to replace my fear with prayer and would appreciate any and all prayers. Let's just get this show on the road so I can have Gabriel safely in my arms. I'm taking 5-w, an herbal supplement that is for the last 5 weeks of pregnancy. It has raspberry leaf, squaw vine, black cohosh, dong quai root, and butcher's broom. All are supposed to tone the uterus and aid contractions and labor. Let's see if it will get things moving, hopefully I will dilate more. I wish I had known about it earlier, I would have taken it weeks ago...
All is in the Lord's hands.

Discovering Intimacy

God is amazing me with His invention of intimacy. I feel like He is just barely revealing it to me, giving me a taste, letting me know about the greatness that is coming. As Nestor and I open up to each other emotionally, verbally, spiritually, and physically, I am beginning to discover the beauty of vulnerability within marriage. Falling in love is amazing, I will always reminisce on our first days together with a smile, but being in love has no limits. There is no way to describe the way a husband and wife's hearts can become drawn to each other in such a close, sacred manner. I also find it incredible how my marital relationship with Nestor closely relies on our spiritual relationships with God. It is as if they are one. Before I got married, all those people who went out of their way to inform me that marriage was the end of love and romance were very wrong. Yes, marriage has ups and downs, and it is a lot of hard work. You have to work at it everyday in order to keep it moving forward, but that's the key. Marriage is what you make it. I think the day that I stop putting in extra effort is the day that I commit my marriage to failure. Anything worth having is worth working for. I love Nestor and our marriage is worth the work. I know that we have only been married a year and that kids are coming and will take up our time and energy, but just because I have yet to experience things such as these does not make me naive. I know it gets more difficult as time goes on, but there is no mold that I have to fit into. My marriage is what I make it. I am confident that as I continue to seek God, keeping my eye on the prize, I am going to continue to have a great marriage full of love and intimacy. That's what God has promise us, and I'm claiming it! (: So far marriage has been beautiful and it only gets better each passing day.

Blessings, friends...

All because we fell in love

Come soon my sweet one. I want your little body in my arms. Labor will the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'll do it for you. When you come you will most definitely consume my every moment, cry when I want to sleep, feed off of me night and day, but I'll do it for you. Just to hold you, just to see your face, just to watch you sleep and know that you are mine. My child and the child of the one I love. I love you because you are. Time will transform you from a little boy to man. I pray that God will mold you into a righteous one. I will do my best to teach you, I will let Christ guide you. For now, stay safe inside me, next to my heart. Continue to kick Daddy in the back at night, continue to squirm so I can see you and know you are alright. I love you my Gabriel. Not much longer. You will be here soon.

When God speaks He has something important to say.

I sat in a classroom of the catholic church listening to a man explain baptism, why they do it, why it was important. He told us how it was our pathway to heaven, how we should thank Mary for the blessing of the child who was to be baptized, how we should pray to the saints--especially our designated saint because he could help us, lighting candles had power as well as the rosary....foolishness. I felt so awkward sitting there listening to that foolishness. I could tell this man deeply belived in his religion and all that it entailed and also that He truly loved God, but he was so off track. Inside I felt like I was screaming "this is all wrong! How could anyone believe this foolishness! You are so close to the truth, but so far away!" In the middle of my musings, Christ interrupted my thoughts, and He asked me a question. I know when God takes the time to speak He has something important to say.

"Is it possible that I could find more favor with this man than you? Despite his foolish beliefs, might I find more favor in the purity and the passion of his heart than yours?"

For 7 days I pondered this, and I have come to the conclusion that it is not enough to be right, to blieve the truth is only the first step. I should never cease to have passion and purity for Christ. I should never give a half-hearted effort. I should follow hard after God all the days of my life. I need the fire that pushes me closer towards Christ everyday. Without this fire I will slowly give in, slowly slip, and before I know it I will be somewhere I never expected to be. Backsliding doesn't happen all at once; it happens a little inch at a time. I have lost the fire, and I have been inching ever so slowly, but I will not let it continue. I am seeking the fire, because I need it, not to live, but to thrive! Christ saved my life, but the rest is up to me. He will not move, until I do.

I am a Mother...

Since I found out I was pregnant I immediately had fears concerning the pain in labor...not being able to control it, not being strong enough to endure it. I have never really had any strong feelings concerning the use of medications during childbirth so the use of an epidural seemed like an easy solution to my fears.

When I went to my very first prenatal visit, I was filling out the required paperwork and in the section inquiring of planned medications to be used I marked 'epidural'. I immediately felt guilty and have been debating this decision ever since. It just didn't feel right, but my fear made me feel as if it was my only option. I talked to Nestor about it... he is so amazing and sweet he just supported my decision, wanting me to be comfortable. Still, I felt uneasy. Since I wasn't against the use of medication I couldn't understand why I had no peace about it. I wasn't sure if it was because I was afraid of what others would think or not, and I didn't want my decision based on that.

I started researching epidurals, I read about all the benefits and all the risks, but I was still neutral. The list of risks might be enough to change other womens' minds, but not mine. That fear of not having the strength to endure labor pain loomed over me like a cloud. The way I saw it, so many women get epidurals these days and everything turns out fine for them. I wanted the epidural, but still...no peace. I searched and searched for something horrific enough to convince me. I even tried to find a medical reason that would prevent me from being able to have an epidural, and I almost found one. There were some articles that stated my scoliosis could interfere with the placement of an epidural, but that turned out to be pretty uncommon. So I was stuck. No one could make the decision for me, and I couldn't make it for myself.

Next on my list...researching natural childbirth. I still could not be swayed one way or the other until I came across this natural childbirth website http://www.birthingnaturally.net/christian/index.html that approached labor from a christian perspective. Why hadn't I thought of that? Of course I realized that childbirth was designed by God and he made our bodies to deliver babies, but I had never thought it out further. Reading the articles on the site all I can say is 'wow'! God blew my mind and immediately I had such a peace I knew natural childbirth was the right decision for me, and my fear was gone! All the medical reasons couldn't persuade me but God definitely could!

Suddenly the whole idea of childbirth wasn't about me. This pain isn't going to be done to me, this is something that God is allowing me to do in order to give my baby life! When I take the focus off of me I think of how selfish I was being to consider my own comfort over the well being of my child! I am not against medicine, but labor is not an illness that requires medicine...its a gift. God has given me this incredible gift to make a baby in my body and deliver it into the world using only my body. And how foolish it would be of me to rely on my own strength and medicine to get me through rather than my Lord. I cannot do it without God, but I trust Him and know that He will always take care of me and get me through. So suddenly I don't have to be strong enough. God is my strength. "It is possible that by bringing a woman through such a difficult time of pain and hard work, God displays his ability to give her strength." I think enduring the pain of childbirth is just the beginning of God showing me what He can do for me, and the strength He can provide me as a mother.

I always viewed the pain in childbirth as something God had little to do with because of the 'punishment' that was put on Eve in Genesis, but I was so wrong! He has completely changed for me the idea of labor pain being a punishment. There are so many amazing insights God showed me through viewing childbirth from His perspective. I could only touch on the main points. But I encourage anyone who is expecting to look into Christian childbirth. How amazing it is learning to trust God with something I never considered to trust Him with!

Thank you, Lord that you are faithful even when my faithfulness lacks! I put my trust in you!