There is an aching, a deep longing in my heart. I have a calling on my life. And I don't know what that calling is. I know I am meant for some kind of ministry, and it use to be my strong belief that I was called to be a missionary in Africa, but I don't think that is what God has for me anymore. It is hard to be patient waiting for God to speak to me, especially when the calling is so strong.
All my life I have felt the tug of the calling. I have laid awake many nights troubled over it, trying to plan it and understand it, but to no success. I have spent many prayers crying, offering God my life, and desperately asking him to use me and make me usable. Three years ago I decided to stop trying to force myself into any roles that God did not have for me; I needed to wait for God to reveal to me His plan. I am still waiting. I might have many more years of waiting.
I sense that God is preparing me. He is getting everything ready, slowly giving me the tools I will need. He has chosen not to tell me His plans, but He won't let me forget that He has them. Every time I hear someone's testimony...tug. Every time I feel His presence in a worship service...tug. Every time I see the needs in peoples' lives...tug. Every time I see God's grace and revival...tug, tug, tug. The tug of the calling is like a hook in my spirit. Its sunk deep into me, gripping me with a force that I cannot ignore, nor do I want to.
The calling is beautiful. It gives me hope and passion.
The calling is painful. It makes my soul weep for the broken as if they were my children.
The calling is discipline. It pushes me to love better and serve Christ deeper.
I don't know what lies before me. I don't know what my calling entails, but I know God's timing is perfect. And even this time of waiting is valuable and purposed.
So I wait. And in the meantime....
TUG.
