107 in 2011!

So...I gained 42 pounds during my pregnancy. It's been three months and I've lost 28 lbs, 14 lbs to go! Yaya! That's pretty good. Unfortunately, I was a little overweight when I got pregnant so I actually have more to loose. I plan on getting down to my weight when I met Nestor which was 107 lbs. That sounds like a tiny number, but I'm only 5 ft tall so its really not. A total 39 lbs and I'm at my goal weight. Really hoping to get there, but I'm not in a huge rush. Gonna eat right and exercise! Excited to be thin again! So that my new year's resolution. Hello 2011, goodbye baby weight!

Wouldn't Trade it For Anything.

1:30am monday morning, September 27th, 2010, ten days past my due date I woke up with a desperate need to use the bathroom. My stomach hurt so bad and I was half asleep. After attempting to use the bathroom and being unsuccessful I realized that this was it. This was the moment I had been waiting for. I was in labor, and it hurt. No surprise there. I was ready to take this on.

I was in too much pain to sleep so I took a warm bath, and just let myself soak in the tub for a while, then I went to the kitchen and did my dishes in between contractions. I knew it was silly, but I really wanted to have them done so I didn't have to come home to them. The next task I took on was to finish packing our hospital bags. I figured I wanted to have everything done while my pain was minimal. I was trying not to wake Nestor, but all my activities woke him up. He walked sleepily into the living room and look at me confused.
"What's going on?" He asked. I thought it should be obvious.
"I'm in labor." I told him. He was excited and said he would stay up with me, but after about an hour, I thought it would be best if we both went back to bed to try and get some rest.

My contractions were mild compared to what would come, but they were coming every 2-7 minutes, and I thought this must be a good sign that things are moving along. Everyone told me beforehand to go to the hospital when the contractions were 5 minutes apart. I knew it wasn't time yet though. Painful as my contractions were, I knew they needed to get stronger. So I laid in bed resting. I couldn't sleep but it was nice just to lay there. I was anxious and excited, and every minute felt like eternity. Nestor and I talked for a while trying to figure out when to go to the hospital, and sharing our excitement that we were finally going to meet our baby boy. I figured he would be born that day. Eventually Nestor fell asleep and I was left awake unable to sleep through my contractions. Finally I decided to text my mom and tell her that I was in labor. I felt guilty for waking her up, but she had told me earlier that she wanted to know right away when the time came.

Of course my mom couldn't sleep after that so she came over to be with me, and I got out of bed to bounce on my birthing ball. I was expecting to need to go to the hospital sometime that morning, but hours went by I really didn't know when I should go. I didn't feel like my contractions were strong enough even though they were coming close together and last a minute or so. Eventually I was getting to the point where I had to breathe through my contractions and wasn't able to talk through them. We decided to go get checked, and around noon we headed to the hospital.

We went through the whole process of being checked and I was only dilated to 1.5, so I walked the halls for an hour, but I didn't progress. The nurse agreed I was in labor, but since I wasn't progressing she wanted me to go home and labor some more there. She said it could be a while. I was disappointed and upset to say the least.

When I went back home my labor slowed down, but I was still having painful contractions. The day came and went, the night came and went...once again I could not sleep well. I was getting so tired. The next day I decided to get checked just for the heck of it. I got sent home. Then that night I was at my parent's house and the contractions really started coming hard, I knew this was finally it. Nestor and I went back to our place with my mom, and I tried to labor there for a while. I was starting to be in so much pain, and we went to the hospital. The nurse who checked me was very rude and I didn't like her at all. It was almost like she didn't believe I was really in pain. She checked me and I was only dilated to 2 so she sent me back home. I was very frustrated. I had no idea when I was supposed to go to the hospital. My contractions were coming every 5 minutes, lasting a minute or so, and they were so painful I couldn't talk through them. How was I supposed to know when to come back? The nurse didn't have much of an answer. She said when I couldn't stand it anymore I should come back. All I could think was um, ya...we're there.

I was so tired...going on night three of no sleep, and in so much pain. Back at home Nestor, my mom, and Laura decided to take shifts and stay up with me. It was about 10:00 or so. I tried to take a bath, but the tub kept draining on its own and the water went cold. Then I tried getting rest and laying in bed, but I was in so much pain laying down wasn't helping. My contractions were coming one after the other about every 5 minutes and lasting 2-3 minutes. Some of my contractions would start before the last one would end. It was intense and I just wanted some relief. I got out of bed to ask my mom to heat some water for a hot compress on my lower back. I was trying to help her find a pot in the kitchen when I got a contraction, I was breathing through it when all the sudden I felt a 'pop'.

"I think my water just broke!" I told my mom.
"Really? Are you sure?" She asked. No water came out.
"Maybe. I think so. I donno, I can't tell."

We went into the bathroom and sure enough my water had broke. Finally we were going to the hospital. This time I knew they would keep me.

At the hospital, my contractions continued to come hard and often and last a long time. The nurse said they were lasting 3 minutes and some of them overlapping. I was doing my best to cope. I was breathing, I relied heavily on someone to breathe with me, it was the only way I could get through the peak of a contraction. I bounced on the birthing ball and hung and swayed on Nestor as he held me up. But desperate for constant encouragement, I couldn't help but keep saying, "I can't do this, I can't do this...Mom, what is transition like, cause this is really hard. If transition is worse than this i can't do it..."
"I don't know honey" she answered. For me this is what transition was like. "I don't think it will get any worse."
I used the birthing tub a lot. I relied on it heavily. It helped relax me and helped with the pain. Everything is a blur. All I can remember is the pain, shaking, being disoriented, breathing like my life depended on it. Nestor and my mom were amazing. The way Nestor helped me during labor made me fall even more in love with him. I was a mess and he was there the whole time to help me walk, get dressed, get undressed, use the bathroom, get in and out of the tub, help me breathe, and the list goes on. They were my lifesavers.

I didn't get mad, or irritated, or scream. I cried a little. Mostly just a tear would fall here and there. I was glad I didn't get angry, but I honestly didn't feel like that. I just needed my Nestor and my mom so badly, I didn't want them to leave me. Time went by faster than I thought it would, but I couldn't help but ask, "How much longer? How much longer? I just wanna know how much longer." I knew no one had the answer for me. I just wanted to hear them tell say it was almost over. I was so exhausted I was snoring between contractions. Then they were starting to slow down. Because of this I had to get out of the tub. I had been at 5cm for hours and it was around noon on Wednesday. I didn't want pitocin, but I had been in hard labor for 17 hours and I was not progressing, my water had been broke for 13 hours...it was time. So they put me on the drip. I was scared of the pitocin. I knew my contractions would be much more painful. In my fear I asked for the epidural, but the nurses convinced me to wait, and try it with the pitocin first before getting it. I did really want to go without the epidural so I consented.

Back in the tub and on the drip the contractions were right on top of each other again, overlapping, lasting 3 minutes long. The tub didn't seem to be helping. These contractions were beyond intense. And hour had gone by and I was so very tired. A tear dripped down my face as I gripped my mom's hand and locked eyes with her, focusing everything I had on breathing with her. I watched as a tear also fell down her face. She had just returned to the bathroom. I was pretty sure she had excused herself to go cry. I looked over at Nestor and his head was turned away. I saw tears there also. I was a mess and my support was breaking down.
"I can't do this..." I repeated "How much longer?"
"Do you want the epidural?" My mom half begged. "You did all you could for Gabriel. She told me. You're a good mama you did the best you could for you baby. You gave it your best shot. It's ok to get it. Don't feel bad. You didn't fail." her words were so appreciated and sweet. I agreed. And I didn't feel bad. I was at the end of myself. I was three night without sleep. If I didn't get some rest I had no idea how I would have the energy to push this baby out, and as it was the doctor had already said an hour earlier that I might be getting a C-section.

The nurse came in and said that if I wanted the epidural I had to get it now. She had caught the anesthesiologist right as she was about to go into surgery. I got out of the tub and my body was shaking so terribly from the pain. They rushed to dry me off and I think I got the quickest epidural ever. It took her less than 10 minutes to put it in. And it really didn't hurt. Nothing could hurt more than the pain I was feeling. It was amazing how instantaneous the pain left me, and I was so grateful for the relief. I fell asleep and snored for hours. I only woke when the nurses would come in to position me so that Gabriel would be lined up correctly.

It was almost 7:30 at night when my doctor delivered the beautiful news...i was complete. 10 cm and fully effaced. I was so surprised and relieved. I was going to have this baby naturally. I started pushing. I pushed lightly at first, just going with the urge and not sure exactly how hard i needed to push. I soon realized that you have to push harder than you think is physically possible. I don't know how I found the energy to do it. My body was spent. I was passing out and snoring between pushing, and vomiting. I could feel my blood vessels bursting and my face swelling more and more. I was so out of it. I don't know how I did it. But after four hours of pushing Gabriel was crowning. I could feel that I was tearing, and I knew I should push slower to allow myself to stretch, but I didn't care. I wanted it over, and I wanted my baby out. One big push and there was the head, then immediately I pushed with all my might despite the pain from the tearing and I kept pushing. I let out a cry at the very end from exerting so much effort. Then...the relief. My baby was born. It was 12:23am Thursday morning, September 30th 2010. 71 hours of labor from start to finish.

I collapsed back onto the bed as they handed me Gabriel and I saw my baby boy for the first time. What an amazing feeling! I was euphoric! I did it and here was my precious baby! He was so beautiful. I was so tired and emotional all I could do was cry as I held my baby in my arms. I can still hear his little cry and cough, and see his little eyes blinking as he looked up at me. With tears in my eyes I looked up at Nestor and he smiled at me and stroked my face.
"Look what we made!" he said. I looked at my mom and we cried. It was the most beautiful moment I have ever had.

I wouldn't trade one moment of my experience for the world. I'm glad I felt every bit of the pain and every bit of the relief and happiness. I wish I could have gone without the epidural, but I honestly don't regret getting it. I know I did the best that I could. It was such a horrible, yet magnificent time in my life, and I got the best reward...my Gabriel.

Finding my Niche

I want to be amazing at something. This is not vanity. I just want to have something good enough to offer others. I think art and music are important, and I have a lot of talents, but they are all underdeveloped. I haven't spent time developing any one interest. Mostly because I have so many! There are so many things I enjoy doing that it is difficult for me to find the one thing that I want to devote most of my time to. I have found that I love painting with oils, and I am working on developing that talent. I have also always wanted to learn to play the guitar, but I have never really gotten serious about it. It's because I have no patience. I want to be good at things right away and that doesn't always happen. Well, it's never too late. I think I am going to give the guitar a good effort. Hopefully I won't give up on it. Hopefully, between taking care of Gabriel, being a wife, studying (until December at least), and eventually working, I will find time to play and paint. Hopefully I will develop at least one of these talents enough that I can use it to uplift others for the glory of GOD. Hopefully.

Gabriel Isaiah:

GOD is my strength; GOD is my salvation

The waiting game...I don't want to play anymore.

Today is September 17th, my long awaited due date. I did not think that I would still be pregnant right now, but I am. Its hard to be patient. I feel like this baby is never going to come. I am progressing so slowly, just now 50% effaced and 1.5cm. The longer I have to wait the more I worry about what could go wrong during labor. I'm not concerned about the pain; however, I am afraid that I will have a difficult labor due to my narrow pelvis and may be unsuccessful in delivering vaginally. I am trying to replace my fear with prayer and would appreciate any and all prayers. Let's just get this show on the road so I can have Gabriel safely in my arms. I'm taking 5-w, an herbal supplement that is for the last 5 weeks of pregnancy. It has raspberry leaf, squaw vine, black cohosh, dong quai root, and butcher's broom. All are supposed to tone the uterus and aid contractions and labor. Let's see if it will get things moving, hopefully I will dilate more. I wish I had known about it earlier, I would have taken it weeks ago...
All is in the Lord's hands.

Discovering Intimacy

God is amazing me with His invention of intimacy. I feel like He is just barely revealing it to me, giving me a taste, letting me know about the greatness that is coming. As Nestor and I open up to each other emotionally, verbally, spiritually, and physically, I am beginning to discover the beauty of vulnerability within marriage. Falling in love is amazing, I will always reminisce on our first days together with a smile, but being in love has no limits. There is no way to describe the way a husband and wife's hearts can become drawn to each other in such a close, sacred manner. I also find it incredible how my marital relationship with Nestor closely relies on our spiritual relationships with God. It is as if they are one. Before I got married, all those people who went out of their way to inform me that marriage was the end of love and romance were very wrong. Yes, marriage has ups and downs, and it is a lot of hard work. You have to work at it everyday in order to keep it moving forward, but that's the key. Marriage is what you make it. I think the day that I stop putting in extra effort is the day that I commit my marriage to failure. Anything worth having is worth working for. I love Nestor and our marriage is worth the work. I know that we have only been married a year and that kids are coming and will take up our time and energy, but just because I have yet to experience things such as these does not make me naive. I know it gets more difficult as time goes on, but there is no mold that I have to fit into. My marriage is what I make it. I am confident that as I continue to seek God, keeping my eye on the prize, I am going to continue to have a great marriage full of love and intimacy. That's what God has promise us, and I'm claiming it! (: So far marriage has been beautiful and it only gets better each passing day.

Blessings, friends...

All because we fell in love

Come soon my sweet one. I want your little body in my arms. Labor will the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'll do it for you. When you come you will most definitely consume my every moment, cry when I want to sleep, feed off of me night and day, but I'll do it for you. Just to hold you, just to see your face, just to watch you sleep and know that you are mine. My child and the child of the one I love. I love you because you are. Time will transform you from a little boy to man. I pray that God will mold you into a righteous one. I will do my best to teach you, I will let Christ guide you. For now, stay safe inside me, next to my heart. Continue to kick Daddy in the back at night, continue to squirm so I can see you and know you are alright. I love you my Gabriel. Not much longer. You will be here soon.

When God speaks He has something important to say.

I sat in a classroom of the catholic church listening to a man explain baptism, why they do it, why it was important. He told us how it was our pathway to heaven, how we should thank Mary for the blessing of the child who was to be baptized, how we should pray to the saints--especially our designated saint because he could help us, lighting candles had power as well as the rosary....foolishness. I felt so awkward sitting there listening to that foolishness. I could tell this man deeply belived in his religion and all that it entailed and also that He truly loved God, but he was so off track. Inside I felt like I was screaming "this is all wrong! How could anyone believe this foolishness! You are so close to the truth, but so far away!" In the middle of my musings, Christ interrupted my thoughts, and He asked me a question. I know when God takes the time to speak He has something important to say.

"Is it possible that I could find more favor with this man than you? Despite his foolish beliefs, might I find more favor in the purity and the passion of his heart than yours?"

For 7 days I pondered this, and I have come to the conclusion that it is not enough to be right, to blieve the truth is only the first step. I should never cease to have passion and purity for Christ. I should never give a half-hearted effort. I should follow hard after God all the days of my life. I need the fire that pushes me closer towards Christ everyday. Without this fire I will slowly give in, slowly slip, and before I know it I will be somewhere I never expected to be. Backsliding doesn't happen all at once; it happens a little inch at a time. I have lost the fire, and I have been inching ever so slowly, but I will not let it continue. I am seeking the fire, because I need it, not to live, but to thrive! Christ saved my life, but the rest is up to me. He will not move, until I do.

I am a Mother...

Since I found out I was pregnant I immediately had fears concerning the pain in labor...not being able to control it, not being strong enough to endure it. I have never really had any strong feelings concerning the use of medications during childbirth so the use of an epidural seemed like an easy solution to my fears.

When I went to my very first prenatal visit, I was filling out the required paperwork and in the section inquiring of planned medications to be used I marked 'epidural'. I immediately felt guilty and have been debating this decision ever since. It just didn't feel right, but my fear made me feel as if it was my only option. I talked to Nestor about it... he is so amazing and sweet he just supported my decision, wanting me to be comfortable. Still, I felt uneasy. Since I wasn't against the use of medication I couldn't understand why I had no peace about it. I wasn't sure if it was because I was afraid of what others would think or not, and I didn't want my decision based on that.

I started researching epidurals, I read about all the benefits and all the risks, but I was still neutral. The list of risks might be enough to change other womens' minds, but not mine. That fear of not having the strength to endure labor pain loomed over me like a cloud. The way I saw it, so many women get epidurals these days and everything turns out fine for them. I wanted the epidural, but still...no peace. I searched and searched for something horrific enough to convince me. I even tried to find a medical reason that would prevent me from being able to have an epidural, and I almost found one. There were some articles that stated my scoliosis could interfere with the placement of an epidural, but that turned out to be pretty uncommon. So I was stuck. No one could make the decision for me, and I couldn't make it for myself.

Next on my list...researching natural childbirth. I still could not be swayed one way or the other until I came across this natural childbirth website http://www.birthingnaturally.net/christian/index.html that approached labor from a christian perspective. Why hadn't I thought of that? Of course I realized that childbirth was designed by God and he made our bodies to deliver babies, but I had never thought it out further. Reading the articles on the site all I can say is 'wow'! God blew my mind and immediately I had such a peace I knew natural childbirth was the right decision for me, and my fear was gone! All the medical reasons couldn't persuade me but God definitely could!

Suddenly the whole idea of childbirth wasn't about me. This pain isn't going to be done to me, this is something that God is allowing me to do in order to give my baby life! When I take the focus off of me I think of how selfish I was being to consider my own comfort over the well being of my child! I am not against medicine, but labor is not an illness that requires medicine...its a gift. God has given me this incredible gift to make a baby in my body and deliver it into the world using only my body. And how foolish it would be of me to rely on my own strength and medicine to get me through rather than my Lord. I cannot do it without God, but I trust Him and know that He will always take care of me and get me through. So suddenly I don't have to be strong enough. God is my strength. "It is possible that by bringing a woman through such a difficult time of pain and hard work, God displays his ability to give her strength." I think enduring the pain of childbirth is just the beginning of God showing me what He can do for me, and the strength He can provide me as a mother.

I always viewed the pain in childbirth as something God had little to do with because of the 'punishment' that was put on Eve in Genesis, but I was so wrong! He has completely changed for me the idea of labor pain being a punishment. There are so many amazing insights God showed me through viewing childbirth from His perspective. I could only touch on the main points. But I encourage anyone who is expecting to look into Christian childbirth. How amazing it is learning to trust God with something I never considered to trust Him with!

Thank you, Lord that you are faithful even when my faithfulness lacks! I put my trust in you!

Psalms 116:1-2 & 7-9

I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.

Be at rest once more, O my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.

For you, O Lord, have delivered my
soul from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.

I'm asking

Can anyone see what its like? Does anyone know how it feels? Is there anyone who understands how my heart is torn in two and crying for the ones I love? Daddy, can you fix it? There is no one. No one else.

Sand Castles

Time has shown me who You are
And love wont let me forget forever

I've built my kingdom out of sand
Sculpting castles with crippled hands
Made foolishness my foundation
Now I watch the waves take away my creation

Time has brought me to this place
And love has sent me near this edge

I leap before I fall

See my heart beating out of my chest
Feel the bittersweet melody on my breath
The sky wont embrace me for too long
Catch my soul before it's gone

Time Changes Many Things, but not all...

I am married to a man I've fallen deeply in love with; we are having a child. My baby boy, Gabriel Isaiah, will soon be here in September. I also finished dental assisting school recently as well as my internship at a Woodburn office. With the baby coming my career will be put on hold I have decided. I have spent April for the most part de-stressing and relaxing, enjoying being unemployed...